We try to help clients accept that divorce is a big loss — one often accompanied by feelings of betrayal and trauma. To overcome this loss, we work with clients on processing their emotions (which often include anger, shame and blame), communicating their needs, establishing healthy boundaries with their ex-partner and rebuilding their lives.

We have noticed that many clients often exhibit signs of grief, such as feeling unmotivated and having trouble sleeping. In fact, going through a divorce can be similar to going through grief, but it can be further complicated by layers of legal issues, financial strain, individual mental health challenges, the experience of parental alienation, the challenges of co-parenting, and the realities of dividing assets.

Denial: “This climb is a complete waste of time. I should be home trying to save my marriage”

Anger: “This divorce is expensive. Why is this happening to me? I didn’t plan for this.”

Bargaining: “I would do anything to turn back and make things right with my spouse. What if I don’t make it? Will my kids be OK?”

Depression: “I’ve lost my spouse and some mutual friends. I can’t sleep. I feel so lonely.”

Acceptance: “I no longer idealize my past. This process taught me how strong I am.”

Rebuilding: “I’m excited to close this chapter and begin creating a happy future.”

In between these stages, clients are growing and learning. They start to learn who their true friends are, and they learn more about themselves, their boundaries and their expectations.

Oftentimes stages of divorce are not sequential. For example, someone might move from being angry at the financial cost of divorcing to wondering if they should get back together with their ex out of a fear that their kids won’t be OK to being angry again that this experience is happening to them.

We help clients turn inward to process their feelings about the separation or divorce. We help clients not only process their feelings and find a way to move forward from their hurt and anger, but also recognize their own part in the marital problems.

Some of our clients also have a difficult time knowing how to act around the other partner after deciding to divorce. They may feel guilty for setting boundaries on someone who used to be their partner, but we remind them that the relationship has changed. The communication that you wanted and needed while you were married or together is … very different, so you’re going to need to each have boundaries around your communication.

We help clients figure out the source of their distress with their ex-partner and guide them in establishing better boundaries

After clients have gone through the emotional journey of divorce, they need to start rebuilding their lives and hoping for a better future.

Divorce is a devastating event that no one wants to experience. In fact, according to the Social Readjustment Rating Scale developed in 1967 by psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, divorce is the second most stressful life event for adults (behind only the death of a spouse). But clients can rebuild their lives and have a hopeful future.

When you work on what happened in the relationship and you figure out what your part was and what was going on with the partner that you didn’t think was healthy, you can really find the good part of you and salvage the rest of this to the point where you’re in better spot than you ever were.